A Fowls In Most Thoughts
by Aussie Zoom
Summary: What Happens When A Mastermind Is Left Alone With His Thoughts A Computer And Nothing But Time This Is An Exert From Artemis;s Personal Log Encrypted I Mainly Only Use Artemis As A Plot Point.


What can I say it has been a blast the past year a year without worries and without any hardships or that's what it looked like from your perspective? But you know what you want an honest answer, OK then. I'm not OK, i haven't been for a long time. As a matter of fact I want nothing more than, even on good days, to end my life.

I try so hard to be outspoken and a gentleman 90% of the time it is devastating to me to keep it up people honestly don't care or want to know anymore. But as I write this I can't get to sleep...I try so hard to be strong but tonight just isn't one of those nights I just want to lay down curl up in a ball and cry. But instead I'm here typing on my computer to try to articulate the pain that inside me.

You know what this is a pain that hurts worse then physical pain because all you want to do is I want to run until your legs break. I want scream my heart out. I want to cry until I cry blood. But instead I hold in all the emotions because I am afraid I will hurt people and show them that I am anything but a gentleman. 

But you know what in this journal entry I want to tell you about how things got to this point. It is a sad story of regret and loathing. Even as I type this I know people are going to think that I'm irreversibly crazy and I probably am but you know what? I regret everything I have ever done every night when I'm in bed. I see all the people I have wronged all the people I have fallen in love with and everyone that I will hurt.

So it all started about 4 years back when I came to the realisation I wasn't like anyone else I had a deep seeded secret that I tried to hide from. A secret of the way I liked the same sex and I tried to hide it everyday I even took people of the opposite sex out and fawned over them. Just to see if I felt anything for them trying to change myself my mood or even retrain myself that I could be different sadly I never worked. I always came to the same conclusion. That I was a homosexual and that no matter how hard I tried how many hearts I broke nothing could fix it. Nothing could write the wrongs and even today I live with the regrets and heartache of breaking so many people just to suit my own needs.

But my life didn't stop there I trailed on leaving those people in my wake with little remorse and kept on going but I found someone that I felt comfortable with and soon tried to strike up a relationship. Sadly they were just like I was trying to find themselves after a time I fell in love and soon was shattered when they broke it off just as I was getting happy. This simple sentenced closed my happiness away for a while a simple "I don't love you". The moment this was said I could feel myself shatter into a million and one pieces and I didn't want or know how to put myself back together.

But a few months later after a whole lot of tears where shead I met a knight in shining armour someone to come along and pick up those pieces that where still scattered far and wide to the wind. Someone I fell for and could trust with my true personality even distance couldn't separate us I travelled up when I got time to be there for them when they needed me I stayed there and made sure that I was there for them when they got home and was a pure gentleman and lover. But even though I was happy I knew something was missing and so did the other person they thought I was cheating but never having cheated or thought about it I took and offence and they called it off.

Being destroyed again I tried to close them off but every waking moment regret was knocking and showing me that I made a mistake to rival all the hearts I had broken. I knew that I had thrown away the best thing that had happened to me. It was a few months later that I got a chance to meet up with the person I lost to chat and stay the night. But again I didn't want to break my heart I denied that I had feelings and left, denying any chance of us being happy and left them with something that would make them think of me whenever they looked at it. A ring that I always wore a memento of how they had touched my heart and always would.

Needless to say on the drive home I was devastated nothing could console me I had again thrown away the love of my life the person I was willing to move for and be there for every day of my life to simply protect my heart what sort of person was I…

After months of regret and loathing I contacted them again to find out that they had moved on and where happy. That made some happiness comeback because I knew that they were happy even though it wasn't with me. It was with someone that made them a lot happier than I ever could someone who wasn't even closely reminiscent of me. But I held out hope and stopped talking to them to protect them from my corrupting influence however in October after a physiatrist appointment where I was helping myself by talking I tried contacting them to make sure they were okay. To my surprise they where single and I had another chance to be with the one I loved unfortunately this story isn't going the best and neither did that again I blew it and they stopped talking to me the one and only person I ever loved had stopped talking to me. I broke I became an emotionless shell a shadow of who I was something that no one like or recognised.

From then on nothing was quiet the same nothing fit quiet right. People seemed off putting and more to the point prospects of dates where a vile idea that had no merit in the world or in the time stream.

But today is the final part of the story 6 months on I am here writing about these experiences and I can say I miss the affection the closeness and I miss just being held it is something that I can't get even with the amount of dates and people I go with it is just painful to even get out of bed in the morning.

I regret everything I did but you know what's worse. You find people to project those feelings of love onto you find people that will never be interested in you and pour everything into making them happy to just see something in others you will never again see in yourself


End file.
